Wednesday, May 15, 2013

How You Benefit from Your Last Breakup

The first thing that my therapist in Indiana told me was that I was an extremely intellectually and professionally developed young woman with some great accomplishments, but emotionally, I was only 12 years old. I would like to think that going through the ordeal that was my first year of grad school that I aged a tiny bit emotionally, that I challenged some of the scripts that had been embedded in me from a young age.

These past two days, I've felt like I'm fifteen. Not in a youthful, vivacious sort of way (who can really call themselves vivacious at fifteen?) Presently, I'm settled safe and sound in my bedroom at my parents house in the great state of North Carolina. Moving back into this home, and my old bedroom, with all of my "adult life" furniture and "adult life" emotions means that there's been some major cleaning that I've had to do lately.

Most recently, this was present in the form of dealing with some old relationships that were rooted from the time that I last lived with my parents. It's an extremely immature response to be frustrated and upset when someone breaks up with you right before YOU were going to break up with THEM, and it's been in my nature to always want to either (1) have the last word, or (2) make amends to then break up in the way that I wanted it to go so that I can have the last word, still.

Before leaving Pennsylvania, I learned the expense of spending myself emotionally on matters that were out of my hands or otherwise extremely costly. I feel like this applies here. If someone shuts the door on your relationship or friendship or an opportunity is no longer available, accept it and move on. See it as them doing you a favor: that's one thing that you no longer have to dwell on, one less thing to ping you on your radar.

I'm not saying that it should hurt, that it doesn't suck to see those people leave or see that opportunity leave, but that's the essence of life. My friends mock me for having a deep, deep love for the circus, but really, life is a parade. I learned this in DC (and most of my undergrad career). You have got to get in the mindset that some people will come into your life for a short period and then that time will be done, over and gone. Mourn it, but don't torment it.

There's an emotional cost to writing late at night, but I'm not "emotionally developed" enough to want to consider that right now.

In order to give some sort of take away for those (in Russia? I don't understand my blog statistics) that have been reading, here's my anthem from the year I was 10, remixed with one of my favorite (modern) bands.

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